Fuckboys Everywhere

Is anyone else being overrun with fuckboys? I think we need a vaccination or some sort of “Fuckboy Off” spray to get rid of them. If it’s not one fuckboy, it’s twenty. They’re like roaches, once one finds you, THEY ALL COME RUNNING.

I don’t like roaches and I don’t like fuckboys.

In fact, they’re driving me fucking nuts.

“I wait see pic of you not on facebook.” –Ok, wait? What? Fuck off, fuckboy. You aren’t getting nudes from me today or ever. Bye.

“What kinda food you like?” –not your dick, if that’s what you wanna know.

“I’m a nerd with a massive cock who likes Pokemon.” –haha ok, go poke-ye-man somewhere else, fuckboy. It’s probably not even 2 inches hard. Puh-leaze.

“Do you cuddle in your free time?” –Not with you. Bye.

“Lemme see you shower.” –Perv. Bye.

“What does that mouth do?” –bites your dick. Wanna see? I like to make it bleed.

These are just a few of my most recent encounters. What the fuck is going on? Why are they so desperate lately? Good grief. I’m about to release maniac Felicity on them all.

And she ain’t a nice bitch.

Who is better in bed: older or younger men?

It’s an age old question, but I want to know your answer…is a younger man or an older man better in bed?

On one hand, the younger men are like fucking sex energizer bunnies. They go and go and go.

But on the other hand, older men know what the fuck they’re doing.

Now, I could be in the minority, but every man I’ve fucked under 30 doesn’t know how to make me orgasm without guided direction. They just don’t. Maybe they’re selfish, maybe they’re inexperienced, or maybe they’re fucking stupid. I don’t know.

But recently, I went home with a man 15 years my senior. I’ve never had sex with anyone more than 3 years older, so this was new for me. The salt and pepper look? Hot.

This man knew how to work a vagina. His fingers moved over my clit so swiftly I was orgasming before I realized what happened. He kissed me so passionately my panties were soaked within minutes. He finished me off FIVE times.

Five. Times.

After, I couldn’t move. My legs and body were singing in pleasure and I may have passed out briefly. It was amazing. I will definitely be going back for more.

The Dick Whisperer

First off, sorry I haven’t been posting. I took a night job as a bartender and life has been busy!

Second, are any of you on Whisper? Let me say, if you’re committed to someone, THIS IS NOT THE APP FOR YOU. Whisper is insane. Horndogs everywhere, people. And I do mean everywhere. If you don’t believe me, post that you’re drunk and lonely and see what happens. It’s like throwing raw meet in a tiger den.

EVERYONE POUNCES.

Anyways, was messaging this one guy. Sent me his pic and he’s fuckin hot, right? Naturally, I flirt. The next thing I know, he says he’s on his way to my part of town.

Wait, what? A hot guy coming to me…at…1am?

What the hell. So I meet him at Burger King. Because, you know, burgers and blowjobs go together.

Just kidding, BK wasn’t open.

He’s muscle-y and he has amazing tattoos. I mean…I wanted to lick each one, but I was too busy giving him a wonderful BJ instead. Cause hot guys need BJs. He tasted wonderful. He looked wonderful. If we both hadn’t worked the next morning, we probably would have mind blowing sex.

Now, if only I’d gotten his name…

SPH–Do YOU know what it means?

Cause I didn’t. And boy, was I in for a surprise.

Fairly attractive guy messages me and asks if I’m into SPH. I asked what it was, then against my better judgement, googled it. Thank you Urban Dictionary for your assistance.

SPH screenshot

What the hell? Right?

Right.

It gets better. He basically said he’s normal, if not bigger, in size and wants me to lie about how he can’t satisfy me while he fucks me. I have screenshots. Shhhh. Don’t tell. And yes, I totally messed with him. Told him I wanted a threesome with another guy, so he could see what a real dick looks like and how it works.

It was entirely too much fun. screenshot prequel SPH

He sent one. Eh. And he was working. haha

screenshot1 SPHscreenshot2 SPH

That’s an elephant dong.

screenshot3 SPHscreenshot4 sphScreenshot5 sphscreenshot last sph

After this, I told him he had to cover his face with some sort of mask and he quit replying.

Weird THAT’S what it took. haha

You got any good stories to share?

Midget Man Reeks of Desperation

Y’all, I went on a date last weekend and I’m still recovering. And not recovering because it was crazy good and I’m in a lust induced high. No, I’m recovering from all the bad and awkward moments.

A little background. I started talking to Midget Man a couple of months ago. He was funny and intelligent. He also said he was six inches higher than he really was. Now, I’m not that shallow. I’ve dated men shorter than me. The problem was he was tiny. Petite. Small.

He looked like a nine year old boy.

A girl needs a little warning. Especially when said girl is close to six feet tall. And wearing heels on the date.

Anyway, after I got over the initial shock and came to terms with the fact that I looked like I was babysitting, the date went ok. We ate, we watched a movie. It was fun. He made me laugh.

Then we went to the bar and I had mai tais. That’s when everything took a turn for the worse. He kissed me and I didn’t push him away. We went to the hotel across from the bar and one thing lead to another…

I had sex with Midget Man. And almost smothered him to death with my boobs.

It was terrifying. Would I have went to jail for that? How would I have explained that to the 911 operator? “Hello, yes, the man I was having sex with quit breathing because I was riding his semi-small dick and was trying to make it feel good. I didn’t realize his noises were actually screams until he quit moving.”

I mean…no. That wouldn’t have worked at all. I’m far too young to end up in jail.

Anyway. It happened. It was over. I went home the next morning and decided I would chalk it up to a one-night stand and that be that.

He had different ideas. Like a relationship. And incessant texting and calling. And video chatting.

He asked me to move in.

TO. MOVE. IN.

Two months of talking, one date, and not very good sex and the boy is ready to have me be his girlfriend.

I told him he reeks of desperation and good luck finding someone who would date his crazy ass. Cause it definitely wouldn’t be me.

Just because I’m sexy doesn’t mean you have the right to ask me personal questions

I get it. Sexy people make your groins tingle and your brain mush, but that’s no excuse to be downright rude and perverted to someone you find attractive. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a dating profile on one of the many sites and someone will flat out ask what I like in bed, how big my boobs are, or send the ever so unsolicited dick pic.

Keep it in your pants, guys. Dicks aren’t cute. We don’t want to see them unless we ask.

I made my profile and blog three days ago. I’ve had at least 15 messages from men. How does the world think this is ok? It’s not. And what really upsets me is when men realize I’m plus size and have the fucking nerve to ask how big I am.

It doesn’t fucking matter, because you aren’t getting any of it. Fat is fat and sexy shouldn’t have a size. If you have to ask “how big” I am, then you aren’t worthy of me.

And trust me, you’re missing out.

I had to rant. It pisses me off. I don’t know what’s wrong with this fucking world, but it needs to stop. Have some fucking respect for women and maybe you’ll be able to get one.

If you can’t respect women, don’t fucking talk to me. You won’t like my response.

He bought magnums when he shouldn’t have bought magnums

First of all, do you all know what I’m talking about when I say magnums? As in condoms? As in the extra long condoms for the extra long dongs? Per google search: Magnums: extra large condoms

Ok, now that we have that out of the way, the reason for this post. Have you ever been with a guy who pulls out the magnum condom and then pulls out the not so extra large willy and you wonder “what the hell is he thinking?” This has happened to me three times. THREE times men have pulled out average or below average sized dicks and tried to put a magnum on it.

It didn’t work.

Magnums are made for the large cocked men. Let me tell you a little story. I saw the type of man who magnums are made for once. Well, I saw a picture of his cock. We met on twitter and eventually exchanged numbers. The multimedia message came through, did I mention this was a few years ago?, and I knew what was coming. First was a chest, then each picture went lower until there was a full body one. And OMG. This cock wasn’t a normal cock, you guys. It was massive. It was scary. It hung down to his knee. I swear the man was part elephant!

This was the type of penis I would never allow near me. It was so long, it would have went through my cervix and knocked on my ovaries door until an egg was fertilized. I mean, sperm probably swim faster when they’re closer, right?

I don’t know, that’s not scientific, but it doesn’t matter. This cock scared me. And this cock was the kind of cock magnums were made for.

Gentlemen, just a little advice. If your penis is shorter than the length of your hand, you don’t need a magnum condom. You aren’t fooling anyone, except maybe yourself, by buying them anyway.

Get condoms that fit, please. And ladies, have some spares in case you get with a guy who has “thinks he needs a magnum” syndrome.

Don’t Give Him Your Phone Number Until After the Wedding

Have you ever had a guy that you are just not interested in not get the hint? Even after it’s run him over a few times like a freight train? If you have, my condolences. If you haven’t, you, my friend, are very lucky.

I don’t have any luck with men. Well, let me rephrase that. I don’t have any good luck with men. I seem to attract the losers. Such as:

The guy who doesn’t have a job.

The guy who only wants to date you because someone else dumped him.

The stage ten clinger who makes stage five clingers look amazing.

The guy with absolutely no ambition in life except to play video games.

The guy who thinks he’s getting laid simply because I say hello.

Ok, that last one may be classify all men at some point, but not all men act on that. Some take it to the point where they straight up ask when you’re coming over to experience their amazing bed skills. (Yeah, right) Those guys, they annoy me. They assume. Assuming makes them an ass, but it just makes me act like a bitch. If I want to sleep with you, trust me, you’ll know. If you have to ask, it’s a definite NO.

I’ll admit it, I’ve joined some dating sites. And let me tell ya, that’s a whole different beast! I’m either ignored cause I’m fat (boy, they do NOT know what they’re missing), or dudes get all pushy. This is why I say don’t give him your number.

Just.

Don’t.

Do.

It.

Bad, bad things happen once they have your number. Dick pics, for one. Awkward “sexting” while you desperately try to ignore the chimes so you can catch up on One Tree Hill. Questions about where this is going, when you’re going to come over for some of their mad sex skills, or the worst, “send me a full body pic.”

Anyway, this is my advice for this unusually warm February Friday night. Don’t give that number out easily, ladies! Most don’t deserve it. Come back next week for the next post. And while you wait, tell me you’re most horrifying dating story!