To move or not to move.

I’ve been presented with an opportunity to move to Eastern Tennessee or Texas. I don’t know where to fucking go, though, because both places are hot as hades in summer and all my fat rolls will get sticky with sweat.

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Atlanta is already hot as balls. For real, have you been here? It’s like living in the hottest, moistest, most humid vagina ever.

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Yeah, the heat is getting to me. Also, I’m still trying to figure out how I found a guy without a whole set of teeth attractive.

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So where do you live? Do you recommend either of these places?

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Shit Men Say Issue 21

  1. “Liquor sex and books, that’s that don draper diet
    Are you sure you’re not a 1960s businessman?”
  2. “Do you have any grey poupon? :-D”
  3. “I need a big sexy girl who loves her ass to be eaten and stuffed”
  4. “I have an eight inch tongue and I breath through my ears! Best pickup line ever!”
  5. “I need to get my paws on your sexy ass”
  6. “Hey,I really want to make out with you…

    interested?

    Patrick”

  7. “You know, Dr. Phil says I’m afraid of commitment… Want to help prove him wrong?”
  8. “Liquor?? I hardly know her!”
  9. “Hey wanna get drunk and hookup”
  10. “Hello Beautiful, I want to kiss every inch of your body”

Let me restate this….all of these messages are from men messaging me for the FIRST TIME. No prior contact.

Shit Men Say Issue 20

  1. Hi, do you like museums? I do, but sometimes I wonder if the ancient artifacts are the red solo cup/IKEA equivalent of their time. Like are we starring in awe of the original paper plate? Hopefully that made you laugh.
  2. Once u go blk, u won’t go back lol. U know why? Your parents won’t let u back in that’s why lol
  3. I hope your not a diabetic cause this is going to be sweet
  4. you call yourself “fat?” naw honey, you are P-H-A-T…phat!!
  5. What is the difference between Full figured, Curvy and Sexy fat 🙂
  6. You misunderstand. I don’t want anything in return. Like, I literally just want to wait on you hand and foot and turn you into a spoiled princess.I’ll cook for you, do your laundry, chauffeur you around, rub your feet, be your personal bodyguard, etc.

    I know that’s unusual, but there really is no catch. Doesn’t have to be romantic. The only thing I want is for you to feel free to be unreservedly selfish around me

Shit Men Say Issue 19

  1. I used to drive a ford f150 (the best pick up line in the world)
  2. I know milk is good for the body, but girl, how much have you been drinking?
  3.  Hey does your ass hurt? Figured you landed on it when you fell from heaven lol
  4. Girl, you must be a University of Phoenix degree because I’m interested in pursuing you online in my spare time.
  5. I’m looking for someone to play with.
  6. I received multiple bottles of red wine for my birthday and don’t have anybody to drink them with. I want to watch movies, eat nachos and drink wine.
  7. would you be interested in meeting up for consensual vaginal and/or oral intercourse?
  8. Do you have an athletic one in you??? Want one?
  9. Do you like raisins? How do you feel about a date?

    Oh, and

    Are you less than 90 degrees? Because you’re a cute

  10. i have my own sign in the yard that tells me neighbors of my ex meagan and her law

Date Night…

If you follow me on Facebook, you’ll know I joined Tinder a few weeks ago. You all know I love a good fuck, but for some reason Tinder really turned me off.

But I did it. I joined. Swiping in all directions for the men of Atlanta. And oh boy, there are a lot of men in Atlanta.

Very long story shortened, I agreed to meet one of these fuckers at Burger King. What is it with me and Burger King? This was daylight, at least, so no blowjobs. He’s attractive in his profile and via texting,  but he hasn’t smiled, so I didn’t know.

I didn’t fucking know.

https://giphy.com/embed/3o6Zti5eheDfoNxYQMvia GIPHY

I pull up in my cute little Jeep and wave to him, only to have him smile back and reveal he doesn’t have teeth!

Not whole ones, anyway.

Broken and rotted, most of this front teeth missing, and the top two only shards of what had been there before.

https://giphy.com/embed/3o6Ztl7oraKm4ZJ9mwvia GIPHY

Yeah, I’m a shallow bitch. A guy has to have teeth. All I could think about was he’d texted about wanting to eat me and bite me and ow…the slither of broken tooth would surely hurt like fuck. I seriously contemplate leaving. Neither of us have gotten out of our vehicles yet, so there was minimal chance of running him over in my haste.

He rolled down the window. Tried to flirt. Got in my passenger seat to speak. Asked me to touch his dick (I said no), asked me to kiss him (I said no), and asked for a hug (I said no).

Never again will I meet a guy who hasn’t smiled in any pics. It should have been a sign. A warning. Something.

Shit Men Say Issue 18

  1. “You won’t regret meeting me”–Ha, surefire way to make me regret meeting you. Pass.
  2. “Hey do you need math tutor lessons?”
  3. “I’ll give you my money and my time. I’ll spoil you rotten. If you’re interested, let me know.”
  4. “Hey,

    I really want to make out with you…

    interested in grabbing a drink sometime?

    Patrick”

  5. “Come to the bar in the Holiday Inn on Virginia Avenue, then I’ll go downstairs and drop a rehearsed pick-up line and then we can come up to my room for a hookup.
    Yes, I was trying to hit all the right things on your profile lol.”
  6. “Once you go Asian, you never go Caucasian!!!”
  7. “So I know I don’t have a profile pic. But let me just say. I’m very attracted to you. And I’d love to creampie you”
  8. “Do you often sit on rocks? It’s a good look for you. I could arrange for you sit on a hard place instead.”
  9. “If you were a vegetable you’d be a cute-cumber.”
  10. “You like middle aged white normal white guys with a small package”

Shit Men Say Issue 17

  1. ” Is your daddy a Baker? Because you’ve got some nice buns!”
  2. “Just please never do this to my head; https://youtu.be/xvZwYadmgPw “
  3. “Sexy fat chicks = pure heaven”
  4. “One leg..” —WTF?
  5. “Are you a 25 point lead? Because I want to blow you!”
  6. “A-B-C-D-E-F-G R-U-D-T-F with me?”
  7. “Im horney can you help?” –I sent him a YouTube video of a grandma lecturing about sex.
  8. “Want to hook up tonight and have some fun together?”
  9. “Hello beautiful how are you doing today sweetheart? I am Richard and I’m kindhearted loving caring honest faithful understanding and trustworthy man that is seeking a very beautiful lady like you for friendship and more do you mind us chatting and getting to know each other better” —-you ever heard of punctuation, Richard?
  10. “Hey how is it going?Have you slapped any white supremacists lately?”–well no, but I wish I had.

Shit Men Say Issue 16

  1. “I thought you were using French fries as a sexual metaphor. If you did , ouch !”
  2. “Hey are you good at calculus?”
  3. “Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself inside your pants!!!”
  4. “Apparently we are the only two attractive people on here, I say we just delete our accounts now, go for drinks and talk about what kind of ring you want when we get married”
  5. “Those legs are so sexy that I would kiss your feet lol”
  6. “Iv’e heard sexy fat chicks give the best head.”
  7. “You must have a big snatch”
  8. “Isn’t dating just screwing. There’s a better way to do that”
  9. “what the hell. just call me. I got the looks, the money, the car and a villa at Disneyland.”

Shit Men Say Issue 15

  1. “Would love to get to know the owner of those amazing legs. Send me a text sometime”
  2. “I would love to get naked with u”
  3. “Did I just give you a star? Does that mean we are married? Haha jk”
  4. “Hey wassup u sexy fat chick wyd besides thinking about me”–my reply, “Trying to figure out why you keep messaging when I don’t reply.”
  5. “Are those legs open for business? Because I’d like to dine in tonight.”
  6. “Hey are you into fun well endowed men?”
  7. “You are smoking HOTT but I am afraid we are on different paths. But wow you are beautiful”
  8. “Roses are red
    Violets are fine
    you be the 6
    I’ll be the 9”
  9. “French man”
  10. “hmm… ok…. I will pick you up and drop you.. I will I will rock you…. boom boom choo boom boom choo, I will I will rock you… bamm, aaaaaaaahahahahaha, hilarious”

Shit Men Say Issue 14

  1. “So wondering if your a real person?$¥£€”
  2. “Do you have a photos with your face?”
  3. “Are you into bondage?”
  4. “I love the sexy legs… were you a beauty pageant winner?…😘”
  5. “I have a weakness for great legs. And Airconditioning.”
  6. “Are you tired, because you’ve been running through my mind. Sorry, that’s the cheesiest.”
  7. “Like a motherfucker so what are you up 2? I’m working from home today and eating a pbj damn i wish I knew how to cook”
  8. ” The awsome thing is sexy. …. i repair a/c’s so….. i can keep you cool through the heat. Then warm you up in when your to cool”
  9. “You had me at sexy!”
  10. “Hi. What did the Hispanic say when the house fell on him?”