Shit Men Say Issue 17

  1. ” Is your daddy a Baker? Because you’ve got some nice buns!”
  2. “Just please never do this to my head; https://youtu.be/xvZwYadmgPw “
  3. “Sexy fat chicks = pure heaven”
  4. “One leg..” —WTF?
  5. “Are you a 25 point lead? Because I want to blow you!”
  6. “A-B-C-D-E-F-G R-U-D-T-F with me?”
  7. “Im horney can you help?” –I sent him a YouTube video of a grandma lecturing about sex.
  8. “Want to hook up tonight and have some fun together?”
  9. “Hello beautiful how are you doing today sweetheart? I am Richard and I’m kindhearted loving caring honest faithful understanding and trustworthy man that is seeking a very beautiful lady like you for friendship and more do you mind us chatting and getting to know each other better” —-you ever heard of punctuation, Richard?
  10. “Hey how is it going?Have you slapped any white supremacists lately?”–well no, but I wish I had.
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Shit Men Say Issue 16

  1. “I thought you were using French fries as a sexual metaphor. If you did , ouch !”
  2. “Hey are you good at calculus?”
  3. “Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself inside your pants!!!”
  4. “Apparently we are the only two attractive people on here, I say we just delete our accounts now, go for drinks and talk about what kind of ring you want when we get married”
  5. “Those legs are so sexy that I would kiss your feet lol”
  6. “Iv’e heard sexy fat chicks give the best head.”
  7. “You must have a big snatch”
  8. “Isn’t dating just screwing. There’s a better way to do that”
  9. “what the hell. just call me. I got the looks, the money, the car and a villa at Disneyland.”

Shit Men Say Issue 15

  1. “Would love to get to know the owner of those amazing legs. Send me a text sometime”
  2. “I would love to get naked with u”
  3. “Did I just give you a star? Does that mean we are married? Haha jk”
  4. “Hey wassup u sexy fat chick wyd besides thinking about me”–my reply, “Trying to figure out why you keep messaging when I don’t reply.”
  5. “Are those legs open for business? Because I’d like to dine in tonight.”
  6. “Hey are you into fun well endowed men?”
  7. “You are smoking HOTT but I am afraid we are on different paths. But wow you are beautiful”
  8. “Roses are red
    Violets are fine
    you be the 6
    I’ll be the 9”
  9. “French man”
  10. “hmm… ok…. I will pick you up and drop you.. I will I will rock you…. boom boom choo boom boom choo, I will I will rock you… bamm, aaaaaaaahahahahaha, hilarious”

Shit Men Say Issue 14

  1. “So wondering if your a real person?$¥£€”
  2. “Do you have a photos with your face?”
  3. “Are you into bondage?”
  4. “I love the sexy legs… were you a beauty pageant winner?…😘”
  5. “I have a weakness for great legs. And Airconditioning.”
  6. “Are you tired, because you’ve been running through my mind. Sorry, that’s the cheesiest.”
  7. “Like a motherfucker so what are you up 2? I’m working from home today and eating a pbj damn i wish I knew how to cook”
  8. ” The awsome thing is sexy. …. i repair a/c’s so….. i can keep you cool through the heat. Then warm you up in when your to cool”
  9. “You had me at sexy!”
  10. “Hi. What did the Hispanic say when the house fell on him?”

Chapter One of Annie Visits the Sex Dungeon

FelicityMonroe-SDP1

**Copyright Felicity Monroe 2017

Chapter One
“Annie Banannie!” Lisa sang in my face, knowing it annoyed the piss out of me more than anything else in this world.
“Shut up,” I growled.
“You need to get laid and you need to get laid SOON.” She plopped onto my bed and opened her massive purse, rummaging through the contents. “And I have a great way to make it happen.” She grinned mischievously and I knew I was in trouble.
Lisa was 8 years older than my tender age of 21 and was astonished I’d only had sex with two men in my life. Unlike my loving sister, I wasn’t open for business to anyone who called me pretty. She didn’t understand and I doubted she ever would, but I had to agree. I needed to have sex soon.
During freshman year of college, I’d gotten wasted and sexed up this frat boy with a big dick, but an even bigger mouth. He was a senior and made it a point to tell every member of his fraternity I was ready and willing. The catcalls, the innuendos, and the gropes from random passersby were too much. I’d vowed to stay celibate for the rest of my college career.
And now the vow was biting me in my horny, lonely ass.
Lisa giggled and pulled out a newspaper ad. “Look at this!”
I grabbed it and scoffed, knowing she was probably suggesting some ridiculous endeavor to get my pussy wet. “What is it?” I grumbled as my eyes scanned the page.
“At the bottom,” she directed, flicking the back of the paper.
My gaze settled on the ad. Welcome to The Sex Dungeon, where you can be who you want and act our your deepest, darkest fantasies. An exclusive, 21 and up sex club where men, women, and couples join for pleasure!

“A sex club?!” I screeched. “What the fuck, Lisa?”

“Keep reading!”

Call today for a free consultation and medical evaluation. If The Sex Dungeon believes you’d benefit in our environment, you can proceed with the application process. Sessions are $1000 and an intensive medical exam and questionnaire are given to ensure your complete satisfaction. 975-184-1829
**Financial aid available for selected participants.

What the fuck? Was she serious? She wanted me to pay a thousand bucks to fuck some dude I didn’t even know?! “Lisa…” I started. “Thanks? I think, but no way. I can’t afford to pay the fee, nor am I comfortable fucking a complete stranger. Hello, STDS?!”

“They test you,” she sighed. Tucking her leg under her bottom, she gazed at me. “Come on, sis. I’ll pay for it. I think you’ll qualify for assistance, but if you don’t, I’ll pay. You need this.” She leaned against the wall and surveyed my dorm.

Whether it be fate or a miracle, I’d ended up in my room alone this year. Perhaps my roommate dropped out, or maybe she didn’t show, wasn’t sure and didn’t care. The room was mine and I was able to bring more than a small selection of my belongings. Have you ever lived out of two suitcases?

It fucking sucks.

Lisa glanced at the makeshift kitchen I organized on the other side of the room, complete with mini fridge, Keurig, and microwave. The bed creaked as she shifted, sitting a little straighter, and cocked her head. I knew what she saw and refused to let her know what was in it.

“How do you know they test you?”

Snapping her head and attention back to me, she shrugged. Her blonde locks swayed when she looked down at her twisted hands in her lap. “I might have called and scheduled a consultation for you.”

“Lisa!” I screamed. “What the shit?!”

“Come on, little sister. Do this! You don’t get out. You refuse to have sex with anyone on this campus. Why not do it? It’s safe. You get to pick. I talked to this girl, Kaitlyn, she’s doing the consultation, and she explained it all. You’ll be there for two nights. The first day, you’re tested and get to stay there. You review their rooms, they have like 8 of them, and they’re all themed. You don’t have to get too crazy if you don’t want to. Then once they match you up with guys, or girls if you want, you get to review the choices. It’s not nearly as bad as you’re thinking.” She shifted as she spoke, her eyes wide and eager as she spoke.

Lisa was beautiful. Growing up in her shadow was difficult. She was popular with everyone, played every sport imaginable, and left a very strong impression on everyone she encountered. Blonde hair, blue eyes, and curvy in all the right places. Lisa was the type of woman men dreamed about and drooled over.

And I was the type of woman men didn’t look twice at. Once I came along, everyone was disappointed. I wasn’t the popular, smart kid. Hell, I barely got into college. My curves resembled rolls and I wasn’t what one would consider beautiful upon first glance.

My confidence wasn’t low and I felt good about myself, but facts were facts and I wasn’t beautiful.

“Then why don’t you do it?” I countered.

Heat rose up her cheeks and spread across her face. Was my sister blushing? Her eyes grew wide before focusing on her hand rested on her knee. “There’s this guy.”

“You met a fucking guy you like?!” Shock rolled through me like the waves in the ocean. Lisa never had feelings for anyone. Sex was all business with her, a way to feel sexy and get an orgasm. Feelings weren’t something she did. The mattress groaned at my weight when I threw my body on hers. “Tell me!”

“Get the fuck off of me,” she grumbled, pinching my hard on the arm and twisting.

Yelping, I slapped her and scrambled away. She never was a fair fighter. “Bitch.”

“Takes one to know one,” she grinned. “Anyway, his name is Patrick. He’s so good, Annie. You have no idea. He does this thing with his tongue on my clit and…”

Fingers in my ears, I lala’d her voice from my head. Hearing about my sister’s sexcapades was the last thing I wanted.

Raising her arm to hit me, I ducked away within seconds and she slammed her hand into the wall. Chuckling, I jumped from the bed and bounced from one heel to another. “I get it. When is this consultation?”

Her squeal filled the room and her hands had to hurt from how hard she clapped. “Tomorrow morning. 10am.”

Scowling, I murmured. “Give me the address.” She knew my schedule, of course, and the consultation was on a day I didn’t have class. In fact, I was free until Monday and I didn’t think it was a coincidence.

Scribbling the address, she hopped up and tucked it under my keys on the dresser. “Annie banannie, I know you don’t want to go, but just go to the consultation. If you don’t think it’s a good fit or you’ll enjoy it, no harm. It’s free. Let me know after you finish!” Her warmth enveloped me in a hug before she was out the door.

The darkened sky told me we’d visited for longer than I expected. I locked my door and heated a hot pocket while I considered a visit at The Sex Dungeon.

Visitors had to be good at sex if they were paying so much, right? Probably not, but it was a nice thought. I wondered what the themes were? Damn Lisa! She knew my curiosity would get the best of me.

Once I’d finished eating, I unlocked my box and pulled out the lube and vibrating dildo. Had I mentioned sex wasn’t something I had?

Closing the curtains and turning off the light, I secured the dildo to the floor in front of my dresser. Peeling my clothing off, I squeezed the cool lube on my fingers and warmed it up between my forefinger and thumb. The sensation of the liquid against my sensitive core felt so amazing I gasped. Realizing I’d be too loud in a dorm full of other girls, I bit down on a clean sock from atop my dresser.

Generously, I covered the 10-inch, girthy dildo in lube and positioned it between my legs. Bracing myself with one arm, I caressed and massaged my breasts with the other. Slowly, I lowered my body until I felt the tip at my opening. Pinching my nipple, I felt along the floor for the remote and turned it on the lowest speed. Vibrations sent waves of pleasure around my pussy and I grew wetter. My legs slid farther apart and I rocked until the tip was between my lips. A groan ripped from my throat and my teeth ground down on the sock.

Knowing the exact spot on my clit to hit, I maneuvered to let the vibrations settle and pressed against it until I felt the first of my orgasms start. The pleasure built in my pussy and I closed my eyes as it flowed through me. The tip of the dildo hit my opening and slid inside. The pulse caused me to moan and press further, allowing my walls to adjust to the girth. Once I was fully on it, I hit the button to up the speed and moved. Grinding against the toy, it filled me up. I rocked, thrust, and ground against the toy while my fingers pinched my nipples. Ecstasy built and the familiar itch started within. Leaning forward, I thrust as the itch deepened and quickened my movements. Before long, my teeth ground against the sock and my pussy rode the dildo until I was screaming into the gag.

Exhausted, the last wave of bliss flowed through my body and I collapsed on the floor. Pushing my tongue against the sock, I spit it across the room. Panting, I fought to catch my breath before finally scrambling to my feet. Wiping the dildo down, I threw it in my shower bag and secured my robe around my waist.

Maybe the consultation wouldn’t be so bad.

Shit Men Say Issue 13

  1. “Do you know the difference between cunnilingus and a pizza?” –Curious, so I replied. I’ll let you know.
  2. “Are you being shy”
  3. “Are you my appendix? Because I don’t understand how you work, but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.”
  4. “On a scale of getting married to casual cuddle time what are you looking for?”–I replied “becoming a widow.”
  5. ^^reply “Maybe you should change your name to blackwidowasaurus…”
  6. “I believe you should be very creative in nature”
  7. “Sorry but fuck me if I’m wrong but have we met before lol”
  8. “Have you ever considered working as an escort, or would that be far too crazy for you?”
  9. “Oops, sorry if you got hurted.. Your username made me ask that” –HE SAID HURTED.
  10. “Believe me, I was just trying to see if you’re ready for a hookup”

Shit Men Say Issue 12

  1. “I hate casual sex. Can we have a relationship instead? An extremely condensed and passionate relationship”
  2. “Tell me about yourself, what makes you tick? What do you desire in a man, out of life, out of relationships, out of sexually, socially, mentally, physically.”
  3. “Do you kik?” —–this drives me fucking insane.
  4. “I’m a little to real lollll but I’m an accountant and comedian so the comedy makes me comfortable saying silly shit. But wyd now? Besides thinking about me”
  5. “this pic of you is amazing… do you like having your ass licked?”–I replied only after I’ve pooped.
  6. “Alright cool. Let’s just fuck then”
  7. “Among other oral”–??? Do these men not realize they aren’t making complete sentences? Or even completely thoughts!
  8. “Those are some sexy fat chick size. If they are yours”–I think he meant legs?
  9. “So are you looking for a sugar daddy?”–Clearly. That’s why I’m on OkCupid. Sugar Daddies love the free shit.
  10. “Hi my name is Chris. Would you be interested in a hookup?”

Shit Men Say Issue 11

  1. “After a rigorously brief overview of your profile, I wanted to let you know I have already married and divorced you in my mind.

    Thank you for all the wonderful imaginary memories! You will always have a special place in my heart.

    Your ex-hubby,
    Josh

    P.S.
    You can keep the dog and Spice Girls CDs, and I will keep the house in Hawaii and the Ferrari =)” –I think not!

  2. “Send me some sexy photos”
  3. “hey m interested in u”
  4. “Let me say this… I am professional 43 year old white guy! Not a freak! I love eating a kitty! And I am very good at it! I love to pleasure a woman with no strings attached! Yes I will share pictures of me and answer any questions…” –is he a professional eater or a professional white guy or…really confused.
  5. “Hey, I just wanted to say hello. Recently moved back to Ga and don’t know anyone that would like to hang out, do some random shit whenever we think something up, and keep.it fun easy and drama free. Oh.and probably have you naked and sweaty being pounded against the wall or face down with a hand full of your hair as I just slam into over and over. So if you think you would like some road trips, having somebody to drag to that shit movie you want to see, and getting plenty of great sex just let me know and I will get right on it.”
  6. “Funny, sarcastic, eccentric, sexy, AND Thicc?! Damn you’re the total package. What do you like to do for fun? Got any hobbies or things you obsessing over?”
  7. “Do you Like it hard ?”
  8. “I also love to eat ass. Let me know.” –Also? Was there a first message?
  9. ” Omg wow! how are you? Happy Monday. Did you have a good weekend? I would love to talk, write me back if you’re interested” –if Chihuahuas could talk.
  10. “I can’t help you with the void you feel. Goodnight and good luck” –it must be realllllllly small.

Fuckboys Everywhere

Is anyone else being overrun with fuckboys? I think we need a vaccination or some sort of “Fuckboy Off” spray to get rid of them. If it’s not one fuckboy, it’s twenty. They’re like roaches, once one finds you, THEY ALL COME RUNNING.

I don’t like roaches and I don’t like fuckboys.

In fact, they’re driving me fucking nuts.

“I wait see pic of you not on facebook.” –Ok, wait? What? Fuck off, fuckboy. You aren’t getting nudes from me today or ever. Bye.

“What kinda food you like?” –not your dick, if that’s what you wanna know.

“I’m a nerd with a massive cock who likes Pokemon.” –haha ok, go poke-ye-man somewhere else, fuckboy. It’s probably not even 2 inches hard. Puh-leaze.

“Do you cuddle in your free time?” –Not with you. Bye.

“Lemme see you shower.” –Perv. Bye.

“What does that mouth do?” –bites your dick. Wanna see? I like to make it bleed.

These are just a few of my most recent encounters. What the fuck is going on? Why are they so desperate lately? Good grief. I’m about to release maniac Felicity on them all.

And she ain’t a nice bitch.

Feelings and shit.

I haven’t blogged other than my Shit Men Say series in quite some time. I’ve been busy and shit, but I’m not giving excuses. I know everyone missed me and I apologize for it.

Anywho, I wanted to talk about something semi-serious. I know, I’m fucking shocked, too, but here it goes.

What emotion or desire fuels you? 

Weird question, right? Here’s some backstory. I was listening to my friend freak out about this guy she was seeing. He was looking for a wife, she was looking for a relationship, but not necessarily ready to think far enough ahead to wifey status. I told her it was because she was fueled by ambition, her career is much more important to her than a marriage, and he was fueled by love, he wanted the white picket fence and shit. They would NEVER work out their issues, IMHO, because they clearly wanted different things out of life. She’s on the fast track to being an executive in her 30s and he’s content with not being as successful.

They’re fueled by different emotions.

She’ll never understand how he can’t have the same ambitions. He’ll never understand how she can’t want love as badly as he does. After listening to her talk for an hour, it was obvious they both felt very strongly about their respective emotions and change wasn’t going to happen.

I proposed my assessment of the situation and she was shocked. She hadn’t thought of it the way I did. But you know what? It made sense.

So I want to know, do you think people with two completely different emotions fueling them can be together? Or do they need to have some degree of commonness in order to live in harmony?

What fuels you?