Shit Men Say Issue 11

  1. “After a rigorously brief overview of your profile, I wanted to let you know I have already married and divorced you in my mind.

    Thank you for all the wonderful imaginary memories! You will always have a special place in my heart.

    Your ex-hubby,
    Josh

    P.S.
    You can keep the dog and Spice Girls CDs, and I will keep the house in Hawaii and the Ferrari =)” –I think not!

  2. “Send me some sexy photos”
  3. “hey m interested in u”
  4. “Let me say this… I am professional 43 year old white guy! Not a freak! I love eating a kitty! And I am very good at it! I love to pleasure a woman with no strings attached! Yes I will share pictures of me and answer any questions…” –is he a professional eater or a professional white guy or…really confused.
  5. “Hey, I just wanted to say hello. Recently moved back to Ga and don’t know anyone that would like to hang out, do some random shit whenever we think something up, and keep.it fun easy and drama free. Oh.and probably have you naked and sweaty being pounded against the wall or face down with a hand full of your hair as I just slam into over and over. So if you think you would like some road trips, having somebody to drag to that shit movie you want to see, and getting plenty of great sex just let me know and I will get right on it.”
  6. “Funny, sarcastic, eccentric, sexy, AND Thicc?! Damn you’re the total package. What do you like to do for fun? Got any hobbies or things you obsessing over?”
  7. “Do you Like it hard ?”
  8. “I also love to eat ass. Let me know.” –Also? Was there a first message?
  9. ” Omg wow! how are you? Happy Monday. Did you have a good weekend? I would love to talk, write me back if you’re interested” –if Chihuahuas could talk.
  10. “I can’t help you with the void you feel. Goodnight and good luck” –it must be realllllllly small.
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Fuckboys Everywhere

Is anyone else being overrun with fuckboys? I think we need a vaccination or some sort of “Fuckboy Off” spray to get rid of them. If it’s not one fuckboy, it’s twenty. They’re like roaches, once one finds you, THEY ALL COME RUNNING.

I don’t like roaches and I don’t like fuckboys.

In fact, they’re driving me fucking nuts.

“I wait see pic of you not on facebook.” –Ok, wait? What? Fuck off, fuckboy. You aren’t getting nudes from me today or ever. Bye.

“What kinda food you like?” –not your dick, if that’s what you wanna know.

“I’m a nerd with a massive cock who likes Pokemon.” –haha ok, go poke-ye-man somewhere else, fuckboy. It’s probably not even 2 inches hard. Puh-leaze.

“Do you cuddle in your free time?” –Not with you. Bye.

“Lemme see you shower.” –Perv. Bye.

“What does that mouth do?” –bites your dick. Wanna see? I like to make it bleed.

These are just a few of my most recent encounters. What the fuck is going on? Why are they so desperate lately? Good grief. I’m about to release maniac Felicity on them all.

And she ain’t a nice bitch.

Feelings and shit.

I haven’t blogged other than my Shit Men Say series in quite some time. I’ve been busy and shit, but I’m not giving excuses. I know everyone missed me and I apologize for it.

Anywho, I wanted to talk about something semi-serious. I know, I’m fucking shocked, too, but here it goes.

What emotion or desire fuels you? 

Weird question, right? Here’s some backstory. I was listening to my friend freak out about this guy she was seeing. He was looking for a wife, she was looking for a relationship, but not necessarily ready to think far enough ahead to wifey status. I told her it was because she was fueled by ambition, her career is much more important to her than a marriage, and he was fueled by love, he wanted the white picket fence and shit. They would NEVER work out their issues, IMHO, because they clearly wanted different things out of life. She’s on the fast track to being an executive in her 30s and he’s content with not being as successful.

They’re fueled by different emotions.

She’ll never understand how he can’t have the same ambitions. He’ll never understand how she can’t want love as badly as he does. After listening to her talk for an hour, it was obvious they both felt very strongly about their respective emotions and change wasn’t going to happen.

I proposed my assessment of the situation and she was shocked. She hadn’t thought of it the way I did. But you know what? It made sense.

So I want to know, do you think people with two completely different emotions fueling them can be together? Or do they need to have some degree of commonness in order to live in harmony?

What fuels you?

Shit Men Say Issue 10

  1. “Do what your kids like. I.e. NASCAR, etc”—umm I don’t have kids???
  2. “Hey sexy how are you doing? I’m looking for a wife 👫” –was that a proposal?
  3. “It’s a nice night” –Ugh. Small talk.
  4. “wow, your curves… are you kinky at all?” –I’ve fallen in love. *eye roll*
  5. “Hi do you like bbc ?” –such a weird way to start talking to someone.
  6. “Jek” –am I missing something?
  7. “THAT SHOT has been making me DROOOOL!” –hands fuckboy a napkin.
  8. “Oh do tell”–have never spoken before.
  9. “What a great smile” –pic is of my legs.
  10. “I’m going to Whole Foods. Need me to pick you up anything?” Second Message: “Pick up line I picked up from “Master of none”