Date Night, Fright Night 2/26/16

Well, it’s Friday night and that generally means date night. I’ll admit I do have an okcupid dating profile. I’ve had the paid ones in the past, but I figure, why pay for more creepy messages than not? I’ll probably have the same luck on both, so here we are.

At 6 p.m., I met my date at Blackburn park. We decided to meet there and then he drive us to the destination, that I still didn’t know of at this time, and around for the date. Have I mentioned I hate driving in Atlanta? I purposely got my apartment close to everything necessary for my survival so I wouldn’t have to drive much.

I seriously hate it.

Forty minutes after leaving and cussing at 1/3 of the town, I arrived and got out to wait for…we’ll call him Jim. To wait for Jim. He’d told me his car was black, so I kept my eye out for a black vehicle entering. The guy is supposed to be a 37 year old accountant, so I admit I was looking for a nicer looking car.

Boy, was I wrong. Or he lied. Probably both.

A beat up Chevy pulled in with the bumpers hanging on with duct tape.

You read that right, duct tape.

Now, I get it. It’s the south and he’s a man. Duct tape fixes everything, but I don’t feel comfortable getting in a car held together by duct tape. He parked beside me and I saw the windshield wipers also had a little tape at the ends. What else had he taped together?

“Felicity?” the man asked. He closed the door, revealing himself. He looked old, people. Older than 37.

“Jim?” I replied back as my mind raced. How could I get out of this? He was at least 60, not even joking.

“You. Are. Beautiful.” When he grinned I felt a chill run down my spine.

“And you look a little different than your pics, Jim.”

He smirked and glanced around. “Yeah, that was nephew.”

“Ah.” I pursed my lips and nodded. I was angry. I hate being lied to. “Well, I think this is over.”

“What, no! You’re so beautiful. I’d love to show you how good of a time an old man like me could be.”

I held my hand out to stop his approach. In my purse, my hand grabbed the mace I had handy in case things had gone south. “Yeah, that’s gonna be a no. You’re old enough to be my father and it’s too creepy for me. I’m sure you’ll find someone.”

His expression turned sour. “All you bitches run away when you see me! I’m only 68! A man still needs loving.”

I backed away to my door, then hopped in and locked the doors. Thank God for all the lights in this parking lot. I sped off, but I saw him in the rearview mirror shaking his fists and screaming in my direction.

And that’s why I’m home at 9:30 on a Friday night. Did you have a good night?

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Shit Men Say Issue 1

I think all women could contribute to this post, but I’m going to gear it toward plus size women. I don’t knot what it is, but there seems to be this stigma that men can say whatever the fuck they want to plus size women because we should be bowing down to them for even talking to us.

We’re fat. We somehow aren’t worthy.

I say bullshit.

We’re beautiful. We’re amazing. And we deserve your respect.

Read below for the first ten Shit Men Say quotes from my time on dating sites.

  1. After seeing a full body pic. “Your face is pretty cute for a plus size girl.” (whatever, fucker.)
  2. Again after seeing a full body pic. “Couldn’t take you to a buffet!” (I didn’t even respond to this one.)
  3. After finding out I’m plus size. “I’d love to bury myself deep inside your tight pussy. I’ve been doing an experiment, and the larger the women, the tighter the pussy.” (Oh yeah? Very scientific, but no. I’d love to bury you in my backyard, though.)
  4. “Once you go black, you never go back.” (I’m not sure what the fuck this means, but it sounds awfully racist.)
  5. “Do you consider yourself attractive? Are you erotic?” (I’ve been talking to you for five seconds, asshat, you should shut the fuck up and calm your dick.)
  6. “Bet you can’t get too crazy in bed, huh? Like flipping and the such like small girls can.” (Well, you’ll never find out will you, Mr. Assuming Asshole.)
  7. “Wanna fuck?” (No, no I don’t.)
  8. Once I’ve turned him down. “You fucking fat bitch. You’re missing out.” (Clearly.)
  9. “R u horny” (Yes, your wonderful grammar skills make my panties wet. Especially since you’re 45 years old.)
  10. “Do you make out with girls?” (1. my sexuality is right there in the profile, so go read it, you fucktard. 2. I wouldn’t for your enjoyment, period.)

Leave me a comment with your Shit Men Say quotes and they may make the next issue!

Just because I’m sexy doesn’t mean you have the right to ask me personal questions

I get it. Sexy people make your groins tingle and your brain mush, but that’s no excuse to be downright rude and perverted to someone you find attractive. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a dating profile on one of the many sites and someone will flat out ask what I like in bed, how big my boobs are, or send the ever so unsolicited dick pic.

Keep it in your pants, guys. Dicks aren’t cute. We don’t want to see them unless we ask.

I made my profile and blog three days ago. I’ve had at least 15 messages from men. How does the world think this is ok? It’s not. And what really upsets me is when men realize I’m plus size and have the fucking nerve to ask how big I am.

It doesn’t fucking matter, because you aren’t getting any of it. Fat is fat and sexy shouldn’t have a size. If you have to ask “how big” I am, then you aren’t worthy of me.

And trust me, you’re missing out.

I had to rant. It pisses me off. I don’t know what’s wrong with this fucking world, but it needs to stop. Have some fucking respect for women and maybe you’ll be able to get one.

If you can’t respect women, don’t fucking talk to me. You won’t like my response.

Buttoned shirts for the big boobied ladies

Do you have big boobies? Do they just kind of have a life of their own, showing up and showing out at any given time and place?

I do. It’s rough sometimes.

What’s really difficult is buttoned shirts. And I posted on my Facebook page asking for suggestions for this post and it seems I’m not the only one with this problem. So I’m doing some research. I don’t have much experience with buttoned shirts as of late, I gave up on trying to find one, but the hunt is on! The only thing I do know is Walmart and Old Navy are not big boobie friendly. The following are suggestions only, I HAVE NOT TRIED THEM, but from the looks of things, these shirts may work.

This shirt from Torridtorrid screenshot

This “big shirt” from Woman Withinwoman within screenshot

Another from Woman Withinwoman within screenshot2

This one from Jessica Londonjessica london screenshot

Ok, so most of these all look the same. I’m not sure how well they’d work, but it’s a fucking start to know where to look. To dress them up, you could always pair a belt with them (just under the big boobies), or roll the sleeves a little to give a relaxed look. Also, if you can’t find anything that will fit, you could always try men’s shirts. Try them on, though, because it may not work. If you got one big enough, you could pair it with leggings and boots to give a super cute look!

What do you want to see on the Plus Side of Fashion?

He bought magnums when he shouldn’t have bought magnums

First of all, do you all know what I’m talking about when I say magnums? As in condoms? As in the extra long condoms for the extra long dongs? Per google search: Magnums: extra large condoms

Ok, now that we have that out of the way, the reason for this post. Have you ever been with a guy who pulls out the magnum condom and then pulls out the not so extra large willy and you wonder “what the hell is he thinking?” This has happened to me three times. THREE times men have pulled out average or below average sized dicks and tried to put a magnum on it.

It didn’t work.

Magnums are made for the large cocked men. Let me tell you a little story. I saw the type of man who magnums are made for once. Well, I saw a picture of his cock. We met on twitter and eventually exchanged numbers. The multimedia message came through, did I mention this was a few years ago?, and I knew what was coming. First was a chest, then each picture went lower until there was a full body one. And OMG. This cock wasn’t a normal cock, you guys. It was massive. It was scary. It hung down to his knee. I swear the man was part elephant!

This was the type of penis I would never allow near me. It was so long, it would have went through my cervix and knocked on my ovaries door until an egg was fertilized. I mean, sperm probably swim faster when they’re closer, right?

I don’t know, that’s not scientific, but it doesn’t matter. This cock scared me. And this cock was the kind of cock magnums were made for.

Gentlemen, just a little advice. If your penis is shorter than the length of your hand, you don’t need a magnum condom. You aren’t fooling anyone, except maybe yourself, by buying them anyway.

Get condoms that fit, please. And ladies, have some spares in case you get with a guy who has “thinks he needs a magnum” syndrome.

Don’t Give Him Your Phone Number Until After the Wedding

Have you ever had a guy that you are just not interested in not get the hint? Even after it’s run him over a few times like a freight train? If you have, my condolences. If you haven’t, you, my friend, are very lucky.

I don’t have any luck with men. Well, let me rephrase that. I don’t have any good luck with men. I seem to attract the losers. Such as:

The guy who doesn’t have a job.

The guy who only wants to date you because someone else dumped him.

The stage ten clinger who makes stage five clingers look amazing.

The guy with absolutely no ambition in life except to play video games.

The guy who thinks he’s getting laid simply because I say hello.

Ok, that last one may be classify all men at some point, but not all men act on that. Some take it to the point where they straight up ask when you’re coming over to experience their amazing bed skills. (Yeah, right) Those guys, they annoy me. They assume. Assuming makes them an ass, but it just makes me act like a bitch. If I want to sleep with you, trust me, you’ll know. If you have to ask, it’s a definite NO.

I’ll admit it, I’ve joined some dating sites. And let me tell ya, that’s a whole different beast! I’m either ignored cause I’m fat (boy, they do NOT know what they’re missing), or dudes get all pushy. This is why I say don’t give him your number.

Just.

Don’t.

Do.

It.

Bad, bad things happen once they have your number. Dick pics, for one. Awkward “sexting” while you desperately try to ignore the chimes so you can catch up on One Tree Hill. Questions about where this is going, when you’re going to come over for some of their mad sex skills, or the worst, “send me a full body pic.”

Anyway, this is my advice for this unusually warm February Friday night. Don’t give that number out easily, ladies! Most don’t deserve it. Come back next week for the next post. And while you wait, tell me you’re most horrifying dating story!